Where do I start?

A close friend of mine told me: “start from the beginning”…

I grew up in Bogotá, Colombia, in a small and humble neighborhood in the south of the city. My whole life I experienced ups and downs with my family’s financial situation. Sometimes we had enough, sometimes we ended up having to “borrow water” from the neighbors. It was hard when water company would suspend the service due to non payment. When I was 12 my parents couldn’t afford to send me to school so I spent a whole year in the house, mostly on the roof staring at the people walking and watching tv. I enjoyed talking to the owners of the stores on my street during this time. I had no friends my age to go out and play with, so I made friends with the people that had stores and small businesses around the block, I was so happy! They taught me about life, mistakes, told me stories and one of them even hired me as manicure assistant.

Time passed and things got better, we moved to another neighborhood and had mesmerizing experiences for about 2 years, until I finished high school. My biggest dream was to study psychology for the same reason most do… “to help people”  however, when it was time to start college my family situation got bad again. We went back to the old house and there was no money to fund my dream, it was 2009 and the semester for Psychology was about $1,000. My family made a huge effort to help me and I started my journey, but after a year they couldn’t pay it anymore. That was it, I felt my dream was gone.

After looking around a bit I got a job at a vacations center in a small town near Bogotá. I was helping with activities for families, the experience was fun. We learned how to talk in public, direct aerobics, learned choreographies for dancing performances and became part of a community that truly believed magic was real. “Mystic” was the word we used there, it referred to doing our job out of love, putting our heart in it and not just doing it for payment, that was the greatest lesson I got from my first real job.

I was there for about a year then took some time to procrastinate life, took some jobs at libraries or call centers till I had enough to travel. I backpacked down South America for a couple months, slept at train stations, had to ask people on the street for money to eat but it  still felt like most exciting adventure in the world.

After I returned from Argentina I found myself thinking that my life was going to be a failure.  My biggest goal back then was to marry someone, have a few kids and become a housewife for the rest of my life, I killed my dreams, I killed my ambition and told myself a lie that I wasn’t good at anything. I remember dating some guy from the block, sometimes I’d go help him with his store,  I wasn’t happy in that relationship but it was the only thing I had at the time, or at least that was what I thought. He broke up with me and told me it was the best for both of us if we went in different directions, that day I felt like the only thing I had in my life was vanishing away, I felt alone, abandoned and the thoughts of not being good enough were stronger than ever. I was devastated.

No job, no relationship, no life, no future, no NADA! I felt like my life was ending. I spent weeks crying, but now I’m aware that I wasn’t sad for breaking up with him, I was devastated for realizing how miserable my life was. I had absolutely nothing to fight for, I had no goals and more than once I felt like it was time to end it all. I couldn’t see an open door, I was alone.

Out of nowhere I found in my house a book that talked about “frequency  & positive stuff” a book that talked about the law of attraction and other concepts that I wasn’t familiar with, I read a few pages and started changing little by little my outlook in life.

For some reason I ended up joining a Catholic group and started going to church every day and praying to Mary and things I’ve never done in my life, it felt good at the time and bought great things to my life. I was so involved with the church and it opened a door to go back to University, they helped me with a half scholarship and all I had to do was find the rest of the money. It was 2012 and I needed around $500 for the first semester. I still had no job, no money, but was decided to find a way to make it work.

I remembered that one time someone told me about this particular job on the internet where you can make some money typing some documents in a Notary, so I started looking at the ads in the newspaper about it. I called a few places and I was kinda shocked and scared when I realized there was no such thing as typing documents. It was  doing erotic shows on the internet for people outside Colombia. I freaked out and just hung up, being naked on the internet?, hell no! that’s not what I want to do, sounds kinda scary, then I started thinking about all the things that could go wrong if I went in that direction. I was petrified, I always saw myself as an ugly person, why would someone want to see me on the internet? why would someone pay for that? As weird as it sounds, it wasn’t a moral discomfort what was bothering me like people would expect, it was the fact that I though no one could possibly like me, after all… thinking I’m not good enough was something that I kept in my mind for many years.

Support my writing

Your contribution will help me spend more time doing what I love: Writing!

$5.00

6 Comments

  1. I am so happy that i stopped what i was working on to read this. Definitely an eye opener. If you never told this part of you life I would have never guessed that you went through such an experience. I’m so happy that you shared this. Can’t wait to read more of your life’s journeys.

    1. I also never knew your backstory and how you got into camming. Definitely adds some more nuance to where you are coming from. At least you have an end goal of what you want to do in life. I am glad for reading this and getting to know more of you are outside of camming. I am looking forward learning more about your path in life.

  2. As you may imagine this doesn’t surprise me. I see you so clearly in many ways. I have no similar experience to share other than always having to prove , mostly to yourself that you are good enough. More magic is the song I sent you…listen to the words. You should be proud of what you have done and the best will be yet to come. We should talk.

  3. You humanize so much of your life experiences that so few of us ever consider when we think of what transpired prior to becoming a cam-girl or as you later pursued that career choice. You’re an excellent writer and you make the main character (You, of course LOL) so believable, sympathetic and lovable, that i’m totally hooked on your life experiences and find myself aching for more….

  4. This shows me how human you are and reminds me of my own life in ways. Different places and events but very much the same. this made my heart go out to you and everything you’ve been through. I know how it is to have to worry if the power will be turned off or the water or heat. Thank God for public school here because I had to leave catholic school because we couldn’t afford it. I’ve been to the bottom of my feelings and felt worthless. I even tried to end it all but God put my sister in my home to find me, if not for her I wouldn’t be here typing this today. This might be why I feel so close to you from the start. As always know that I love you and always will. You will always be in my thoughts and my prayers and will always and forever be in my heart no matter where life takes us. God bless you Sofia.

Leave a Reply