A broken heart.

I never intended for this blog to become a sad place, but the more time passes, the more clarity I get that things haven’t been the same since Simona passed away. I can confidently say that I haven’t been truly happy ever since and things don’t seem to go my way no matter how much I try. It’s like a huge dark cloud covered me that August and stuck around and I can’t see the world with clarity.

Let me tell you something about my mourning, during that time I started to watch a lot of motivational videos. I got involved with a community that feeds each other with inspirational messages, encouragement and support. I guess all I wanted back then was to feel supported and loved. I found a group of people that provided that. I attended a few conferences with them across the U.S. and got very involved with the whole personal development thing.  These groups have a way to make you believe something is wrong with you and you need their help to improve yourself.

I don’t want to get much into detail, but I can assure you I was mentally unstable and going through a major depression after my loss. Many of my supporters on MyFreeCams walked away and I was feeling more miserable every day. Being around the people of this group made me feel special, it became my safe space. During one of the conferences I hired a “Personal Development Coach” and a “Business Coach”, I wanted my life back so bad that I spent a big part of my savings with this company, at the time it seemed like they were my only hope.

Between August and November 2017 I gave away nearly $50,000 USD hoping to get my life together, but it was only the beginning of a disappointing trip that left me with almost nothing. I still feel ashamed about my poor decisions, I’ve read multiple personal development books in my life and learned many valuable lessons. Some of the books recommend getting a coach to improve and I always wondered about it, sadly my experience with that was not a good one.

The months went by and in February I had everything packed to move to New Zealand. I wanted to be away from everything and everyone. I’m not going to lie, by then I was sick of the U.S. and wanted to be somewhere else where I felt safe.

I didn’t have much when I got here, besides Jaco, his huge crate, my laptop & webcam, 2 bags of clothes and a broken heart. I stayed with some family members for a few weeks and not long after I got my own place, as you all know, I like being by myself.

New Zealand became my “land of the free”, I moved to a city where I knew nobody and it was the place where I finally experienced real freedom, it is the place where I started discovering myself.

In August 2018 after 6 months of living here, I had a trip to Mexico scheduled with the people of the motivational group that was already paid for. I made up my mind about not participating in any of their activities. To be honest, I just felt like I got taken advantage of at a very vulnerable moment but I didn’t wanted to waste the $11,000 that I paid for the trip.

Traveling from New Zealand to pretty much anywhere is a mission, I wanted to make it worth it so I purchased some tickets to go to Colombia to see my family after the trip to Mexico. Seeing my loved ones was something I was looking forward too for months.

The trip to Mexico ended up being a life changing experience that got me thinking a lot. I spent most of my time there writing in my diaries and meditating. I have never in my life spent so much time loving myself, when you love yourself the world suddenly changes. I became creative, I started attracting really wonderful people that were also at the Resort, it was a whole week in heaven. The whole time there I felt like I was on a cloud, I was happy for absolutely no reason, able to spend time with myself.

The day I left that magical place, I wasn’t sad. I was excited to finally see my family, to get my favorite food again and to spend time with the people I love the most. I arrived to Bogotá on a Sunday morning, most of my family were at my parents house waiting for me with the most wonderful thing in the world: “Caldo de costilla con arepas” it has been my favorite food since I remember.

The first few days in Colombia were nice, but the more time passed there, the more uncomfortable I started to feel. I’m not quiet sure how to explain what happened, but it was like the whole 11 days I was there I felt sick, breathing was painful and I got an enormous weight on my shoulders that I couldn’t get rid of. The city seemed so dirty, so crowded that it broke my heart knowing all my family is there. During my stay, 3 members of my family got horribly robbed on the streets, one of them was my little brother who got a knife held to his stomach as they took away all his money when he was about to enter his University in a nice area in Bogotá around 7:00am.

I wasn’t allowed to drive, to go out by myself or even take my phone with me when I went out, in a way it felt like my freedom was taken away. The fear was back and I got a reminder of what my life was like a few years ago. I can’t help but think things have gotten worse since I left. I cried myself to sleep so many nights while I was there, I saw so many homeless people, so many street dogs, so much poverty and people that struggle to make a living and not much I could do.

Frustration is the word I’ll use to describe my feelings during the whole time I was there. I couldn’t see how things could get better and it broke my heart not having the strength to stay and try make things better. My visit to Colombia was painful. When I said bye to my family I mentioned I might not return for a while, but I made up my mind… I don’t ever want to go back. Does this make me a shit person? I felt so unhappy being there, even though I did all my favorite things, it just felt wrong to be there. I was counting down the days to leave as I felt I was only feeding myself with negativity.

When I boarded the plane to do my stop in LAX, I promised myself that I would leave all the negativity behind and would start focusing only on the good things that life has to offer, I already spent enough time crying and being frustrated over something I couldn’t change at the time.

I arrived to the U.S. excited, feeling hope for what is about to come and got stopped by an immigration officer that treated me the way you’d treat the worst criminal. It was my first negative experience entering the U.S. the humiliation I went through for absolutely no reason was heartbreaking. I’ve spent days and nights crying since I got home. I am not ready to talk about what happened at LAX, but I just feel like having a Colombian passport gives you a red flag. What gives them the right to believe you’re a criminal just because of the country you were born? I made up my mind to never go back to the U.S. after the horrible experience I went through, it was unjustified and absolutely unnecessary.

I can barely recognize myself after this trip, I feel like I can’t pick up the pieces and put myself together and today I realized this is how I’ve been feeling deep down for over a year. When does this stop? What if I never get to be truly happy again? Who am I? Is this the new me? Does anybody understand how I feel?

Pretending to be ok while I’m online is getting tough, there are so many dark thoughts I’ve been having and I don’t know how to stop them. The only time I truly get a sense of peace is when I fantasize about my heart stopping, like there’s nothing in this world that could make me feel happy or excited ever again.

I miss myself. I need myself. If anyone has the answer in “how to find yourself” let me know.

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