It has been almost three months since I last wrote here, I’ve been meaning to, but kept putting it aside. Lately I’ve come to the realization that it is difficult for some people to do the things that make them happy (I know I’m guilty of that). Such a strange thing to do, I wonder if deep down we don’t believe we deserve any joy, I mean why would anyone procrastinate doing the stuff that feels good? Just think for a moment about the last time you did something for yourself, how often do you do anything that truly brings you joy? Feels like it’s so easy to fall into the trap of living our lives for other people (which is not all bad of course) but it becomes a problem, when we take from ourselves to give to others. “You gotta have your cup full, overflowing before you can give to others”, a lesson life keeps giving me over the years and I finally understand.
So, catching up… you must know the minute I clicked “publish” on my last post I started to feel better, it felt like letting go of a rope that I’ve been holding for an eternity, it almost felt as if the darkness went away. The following days seemed brighter, I got so much feedback from my friends and lovely strangers on the internet, feeling you, reading your comments absolutely had an impact in how I saw myself. We become what the people surrounding us say we are, and those words have a bigger impact when coming from those we love, and for those kind words I want to thank many of you.
Every single person that reached out helped me to get better, my closest friends blinded me with light so hard I couldn’t feel darkness anymore. I started to meet more people in my chatroom and all of a sudden had the desire to celebrate my birthday. I planned a party on the first day of Spring in New Zealand (September 23rd) and to be completely honest, the excitement from the people in my chatroom made me feel alive again. I was back in the game, THE STORM was back, I could see in the mirror again that happy Sofia people knew, after a long time I was finally looking forward for something.
After that overload of excitement I started to focus on the good things of life and talking again to my old good friends… the right people kept showing up, there’s so much love and care on a site designed for adult entertainment. I realized I locked myself out and was in the darkness by choice, maybe life was tough a few of months ago, but I could feel the hands of so many people over the internet lifting me up, reminding me of who I was and most importantly making me feel loved when I couldn’t love myself.
Perhaps I haven’t taken the time to write about my experiences with online friends, reading back the pages of my diary, I realized that not everyone visiting camsites are there to drain you or take a piece of you, as I used to think back in the day. Truth is, most of the people I’ve had the pleasure to know have so much love inside that they want to share with someone from the comfort of their homes. I tear up every time I think about the people that literally made me a part of their daily routine, we sit down, talk, drink, dance and share our lives on a deeper level than I have ever done with any friend in person. If you are reading this and you come to my chatroom, dude seriously… THANK YOU!! I will never take for granted how much time, energy and money you’ve invested in me, and yeah! MONEY is a big part of it, let’s not talk BS, without your financial support I wouldn’t be able to live the life I live, I deeply appreciate being able to pay rent, buy food and… one little luxury every once in a while hehehe.
So, finishing up, I just want to say one thing I’ve learned over the years, is that whatever you focus on, you will attract to your life. I’ve made peace with my past, my poor decisions and the minute I started counting my blessings A.K.A whatever is going absolutely great and fantastic in my life, the worry, the pain, the regret goes away. Life is such a wonderful learning experience and nothing makes me happier than sharing it here with you.
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