Not long ago I met Mr. Man, it was one of those days online when everything seemed to be going absolutely perfect. I was feeling as sexy as ever, had all my friends online and new people were joining. I was beyond happy, inspired to give out my best. Mr. Man spent all his night in my room and joined one of my clubs. I was incredibly grateful but not too impressed. He could be one of those people that come and go so I didn’t give him much attention. When I finished my shift I had a bath, as usual. Spent the evening looking after myself and relaxing.
During the following days Mr. Man kept coming to my room the second I would get online, I felt pretty awesome about that to be honest. He never talked much but seemed to enjoy himself, he purchased on my profile an app to talk to me outside cam and slowly he began to win my interest, he gave me the impression of a fascinating man, there was something about him, I just wanted to know him better.
We started talking a bit outside the chatroom, he was very respectful about my personal time, he never messaged too much or at weird times. I liked that a lot, he never appeared needy. I became intrigued and every time I saw him online we ended up talking about really deep stuff. He opened up about his issues with depression for many years, I was very touched. Mr. Man would always thank me for making his life better, he kept saying how grateful he was for being a part of my life and… the feeling was mutual. I was very pleased to have him around too. We were good for each other.
One night he told me how close he was about taking his own life because of an argument he had with a cam girl the previous year. I just couldn’t understand how such an amazing person would even think about such a thing. The more he told me, the more I realized he got majorly taken advantage of by this girl. I was so upset I punched pillows every time I thought about what he told me, I felt rage as if what happened to him happened to my brother or someone I love deeply. My heart shrunk when I knew my friend who now I care about so much went through such a horrible experience. I became extremely protective of him. I guess all I wanted was to make things right for him. In a way I wanted to fix it and make him forget about it. He works from home and doesn’t have any friends besides people on cam sites so my instinct was to “make it up to him” and THAT’S when things went down hill.
I have been on this business for over 6 years and after a few experiences I’ve learned to protect myself, I’m aware of how emotional and empathetic I am, so no matter what I always try to have a wall around me until I know the other person better. Somehow I tore the wall down for Mr. Man, I let him walk in on a red carpet with flashing lights, giving him power over my emotions and feelings. I wish I knew the exact day or minute things got messy, I had a few weeks of mental torture wondering what went wrong and why. I lost hours of sleep just trying to figure him out, I stopped relaxing after cam time and spent the little energy I had left on searching for ways to make him feel good.
I was concerned about him, I went the extra mile and repeatedly went out of my way to be there for him, even when I was too busy or exhausted. I let him decide the rules, texting him stuff like –“Please let me know if I’m texting a lot”- or -“I hope you don’t get bored of me being too much”- I mean, come on? (I’m face palming myself as I write this). It is embarrassing the person I became to please him, I felt like I owed him something.
There I was in the same position I was before I started my journey as a camgirl, feeling insecure and overcompensating by giving him extra, giving him things he never asked for. Every day I’d wear the outfits I knew he liked just to make him smile, perhaps to see if he’d notice I was trying for him, sadly the more I tried the less interest he showed. I spent most of my energy and time wondering what I could be doing wrong, went to my phone and read our conversations over and over trying to find an answer but nothing. I was beyond confused, one night I got online because I couldn’t sleep to read our conversations on MyFreeCams from the beginning to find out when “I fucked things up”, because in my mind it couldn’t have been him who did anything wrong, but I found nothing besides me trying too hard with messages to make him happy and him getting more distant by the day.
Do you know when you meet a person you really like and they like you back and life becomes a joyful experience? You start feeling more attractive, you feel smarter, confident all ready to conquer the world? You are EMPOWERED because you start seeing yourself with the eyes of who’s loving you… well, Mr. Man managed to pull out the insecure weak person out of me, I began to feel empty. When I couldn’t take it anymore I texted him the typical long message telling him how I felt and asking if things were ok. I just wanted a little feed back from him, reassurance perhaps? (I did this at least a couple of times) It was heart breaking seeing how he always answered things along the lines of: -“I’m here aren’t I? If I didn’t like you I’d be somewhere else”- as if his presence only was supposed to be enough or if a friendship is based on sitting next to someone to say absolutely nothing. I found it very insulting but let it pass many times with the excuse of “someone damaged him” or “soon enough he’ll open up and everything will be alright”.
I’m confident to say that I have never during my career as a camgirl tried so hard with a person, or became so protective or attached. I had a hard time understanding my feelings.
On January 1st when I saw Mr. Man online I decided to stop giving him any attention and keep focusing on my friends and my goals for the year, didn’t take me more than 15 minutes to break down (without him saying a word) explaining myself to him and I deliberately told him I decided to “stop trying” with him. I explained that I’d had enough and I was tired of feeling like I was begging him for a friendship, because it literally felt like that almost every day. I realized that he was the kind of person that wouldn’t have noticed if you disappeared out of nowhere so I guess, I wanted to make sure he KNEW what was going on. I politely asked him if he wanted to talk, I’d appreciate if he did it first, at least sometimes and repeatedly said how much I cared for him and his happiness and I didn’t want to be a burden.
That’s the last time me and Mr. Man talked, he logged off quickly after telling me he’d try to talk more and told me he was going to see me the next day. That was it! He never came back and never texted again. I waited a week and after no replied I deleted his number and moved on. I grabbed the steering wheel of my life and it feels pretty damn good.
I believed for many weeks this whole situation was about Mr. Man. I’ve been busy feeling worthless and weak I forgot what a badass I truly am. So NO, this is not about him and never was. This situation it’s about ME and it was a friendly reminder from life to stop giving other people control of my life and emotions. It could have been him or anyone else, it’s a lesson that keeps showing up in my life and I guess sometimes we need the lessons to repeat a couple of times before “we get it”. Feeling disrespected and taken for granted triggered deep issues from my childhood, but that’s ok. I love and accept my past because it made me who I am today.
Mr. Man lives his life at peace, I admire a person that cares only about himself (I truly do). Unfortunately or fortunately… that’s not in my nature. I will NOT close the gates to anyone who ever needs a friend or someone to rely on, and I love myself for that. I accept my truth that I am a loving and caring person, I keep repeating in my head that it’s ok to love people and it’s ok to be empathetic, as long as I keep filling my cup first things will be good. I am happy to say I’m strong enough to stay who I am no matter what life throws at me. So if anyone anywhere is going through something similar, know you’re not alone. I promise loving yourself first is the best gift you can give out to the world.